


Sebastian Moran's Travel Blog (Japan)

by Colonel_Moriarty



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-02
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-13 09:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colonel_Moriarty/pseuds/Colonel_Moriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moran’s Travel Blog</p><p>Sebastian Moran, sniper and second most dangerous man in London, tells in his blog his stories about travelling together with Jim Moriarty.</p><p>Written in blog style and not to be taken all too seriously. </p><p>This time they're off to Japan. Which means yakuza, fugu, sushi, explosions, karaoke and Jim in a School Girl Uniform.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

April, 8th  
I knew something was different this morning when I walked into the kitchen.  
Jim was already sitting at the kitchen counter, sipping from a mug, texting on his phone. I said ‘Good Morning’ to him and he answered me in gibberish.  
I tried again, thinking he didn’t hear me the first time but the response is the same.  
So I reached over and touched his forehead to check if he’s feverish (After all he wouldn’t start talking in tongues- he’s on the wrong side for that).  
Jim’s forehead is cool and he slaps my hand away and calls me a moron. Obviously he spoke in Japanese. I dread to find out the reason why.  
*  
Now I know the reason and I wish I didn’t. Jim just finished planning another travel. This time –drum roll- we’re heading to Japan. I guess I didn’t look appropriately excited enough because Jim makes a pouting face and calls me ‘baka’. I’m sure I don’t need to look up the meaning for that word.  
*  
Jim is contemplating if we should go by boat. He says he’d like a nice long cruise. I remind him how seasick he had been during our ‘Pirate Adventures’ in Italy.  
Quite clearly he doesn’t like to be reminded of that incident because he glares at me. But then his mood flips again and he mutters something about booking tickets for the next plane before telling me to pack everything. And to get into one of the nice suits he bought for me in Milano. Jim’s punishments come swift and rough. Now I’ll be uncomfortable the entire flight.  
*  
At least Jim told me in advance this time that we’re going on a business trip. I’m relieved he’s not hiding it, so I can prepare myself mentally. Which I have to do in any case but business means a more likely to be serious Jim. At least one can hope and pray, right?  
Our contact in Tokyo will provide me with everything I might need. Jim explains though that it won’t get dangerous. I don’t give any reply to that because it’s useless to explain to Jim that a trip with him is /always/ dangerous.  
*  
Jim said that if everything goes well, he’ll reward me. I’m not too excited. I’m sure he just means we’ll stay longer and I’ll be forced to endure more of his ‘1001 methods to drive your sniper crazy’.  
*  
The reward will be that we’ll stay longer. Jim calls it ‘Extended vacation time’. I call it ‘Fuck my life’.  
*  
I hardly got any sleep this night. Jim is too excited to sleep so he decided I don’t need any sleep either. And even if I wanted to- nobody can fall asleep when your boss plays the Bee Gees at top volume at 3 AM. And sings along to them. I finally got enough and blew a fuse by causing a circuit overload. A hair dryer and a bathtub full of water are sure an interesting mixture.  
*  
Unfortunately Jim can be rather persistent. Now he’s singing alone and I get to listen to his lovely renditions of ‘I can’t decide’ and the ‘Gay Pirate Song’. I wish I could short circuit my brain.  
*  
The ride to the airport is uneventful. Jim also doesn’t cause a fuss this time when they scan his laptop. However when he walks through the scanner and sets off the alarm again and is gestured over for a more thorough pat down he starts to giggle and moan and looks at me all seductively while I wish I could just sink into the ground. The security guy stares at him all awkwardly and Jim winks at him and blows him a kiss before I can finally grab him and drag him away. He’s still giggling when we get on board of the plane. I’m just glad security didn’t decide that he’s a risk for the other passengers.  
*  
Jim is watching Disney movies while laying across my lap like an upside down sloth, using me like a couch. I try to ignore him so I can read my book. It works only halfway as he keeps elbowing me /accidentally/ into the groin. I should just tie him up and stuff him into the overhead baggage compartment. But since I can’t do that I tell him that if he’s interested in getting any tonight, he should stop trying to reduce my balls to the state of scrambled eggs.  
*  
Jim did stop but instead he keeps asking me what I’m reading. He’s asking me every five minutes until I give up and hand him my book. He giggles and starts to read it. This leaves me with the thrilling story of Cinderella to watch on the TV screen. Two minutes later he tosses my book aside and declares it is boring. Instead he demands I get him into the cockpit so he can fly the plane a while. I tell him that if he doesn’t stop I’ll lock him up in the toilet for the rest of the flight.  
*  
Jim listened to my…request and now I’m worried. I try to read again but I can’t help but keep looking over to him at times. He is playing with his cell phone though and I won’t tell him that it’s against the rules. I’ll let the stewardess deal with him.  
*  
I don’t know exactly how Jim did it but the intercom is suddenly crackling to life and there’s a voice that sounds so terribly familiar and claims to be the captain. It also claims it got a warning and I can hear people around start to murmur. The murmur is followed by scared gasps when the voice explains that it is an emergency and that there is a dangerous person on board of the plane. Then the ‘captain’ describes where exactly said dangerous individual is sitting. And I realize two things: Jim isn’t sitting next to me anymore and everybody is staring at me. At least until the voice adds ‘dangerously sexy and good looking and great in bed’.  
*  
Okay, so I wasn’t completely right. People /still/ stare at me but now for different reasons. Jim is suddenly back in his seat and grins as if he found a million pounds. I know my face is red as hell and only my iron will (and the fact he has the tickets for the flight back) keeps me from pushing Jim into the overhead compartment after all.  
*  
The rest of the travel is without further disturbances. Mostly because Jim fell asleep. How is it that he looks so downright adorable like this? Little Irish bastard.  
*  
We arrive at the airport in Tokyo where our contact awaited us. He bows to us and alls me ‘Moran-san’. It sounds more like a Swedish surname than a Japanese greeting. Jim seems delighted by the bowing bit. We follow him to a car where I’m handed new ‘equipment’. I’m thankful for that because I feel so naked without my gun. He takes us to the hotel and I just realized how big this city is.  
And how much mischief Jim could cause here.  
*  
The evening and night go by uneventfully and the meeting is scheduled for the next day. Jim zaps through the hundreds of TV channels and stops on one that talks about supernatural occurrences. Oh joy, tonight he’ll cling to me like a koala and moan about ‘the girl with the long black hair’ being after him. Or so I assume. At least I can get out of that damn suit now.  
*  
Interestingly enough spooky stories seem to turn Jim on. Who would have thought.


	2. Chapter 2

April, 9th  
We start the day with an excellent breakfast. Jim has trouble to sit still, obviously all excited about the upcoming meeting. He didn’t tell me all details (and again there’s that sense of dread) but obviously he’s meeting with some old professor who developed a new type of intelligent virus. Since it’s all about computer stuff it should be relatively safe. Computer viruses are not on my top ten list of common deaths among snipers and their employers.  
*  
A cab takes us to the appointed destination and Jim makes fun of me for being so tense. Well, it’s easier said than done when you’re wearing a suit that is so perfectly tailored that it outlines everything- like the gun holster you’re trying to hide underneath it. Also, I dare to say, I myself rather prefer staying alive but Jim Moriarty is the last person who would worry about such minor details.  
*  
We meet the professor on the top floor of what looks like an ordinary business building. His office is more like a penthouse suite though. Once again Jim is greeted with a bow and this time he bows back. Then he’s offered a drink while I let my eyes scan the room we’re in. The old professor (who looks like he’s 30 instead of 60) gives me a short glance then looks back at Jim as if asking who I am and why I’m here but Jim just shrugs.  
They ignore me after that and Jim gets to play with the virus program on the professor’s laptop while they talk in Japanese. I don’t really understand a thing until the professor drops one word that is in my vocabulary for obvious reasons.  
Yakuza  
Of course Jim sits on the couch and is still a giddy motherfucker while I get all tense once more and glare at him, waiting for an explanation. I don’t get any. At least not the spoken kind. Instead he sends me a text message as my phone starts to vibrate.  
*  
[Oh, Sebbie, I think I forgot to mention that some yakuza group might be highly interested in the professor’s work too but he declined them before. Sooo…..you don’t mind having a look around outside? Just precautions, darling. ~Jim]  
*  
Shit! Now I’m stomping through the hallway with the urge to shoot something, or better, somebody. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? I do get my wish. One of the elevators opens and a man steps out. He’s Japanese- no surprise there- with the stature of a prize boxer. He looks at me and I look back at him. Then my eyes wander down and I notice he’s missing the top part of his pinky finger. As my eyes wander back up, I can see him grinning at me. I grin back and we both simultaneously reach for our guns.  
*  
I’m faster. Just by the fraction of a second. His bullet hits the wall next to my head. Mine hits him right between his eyes. He’s still grinning as he falls to the ground. But then the other elevator arrives and four more blokes step out. I don’t need to ask whether they were with the guy I shot or not as they automatically draw their guns. /Shit! /  
*  
I made it back into the office and locked the door. The professor looks like he’s going to piss his pants in fear while Jim sits on the couch, feet dangling, sipping his drink as if this was a most normal occurrence. He asks be if there’s trouble while smiling and I just glare and tell him to ask the professor if there’s another way out before the guy faints on us and becomes useless.  
*  
There isn’t another way out. Fuck.  
*  
I don’t want to think about how we did it but Jim and I are standing on the scaffold of a window cleaner now. The man who worked on it lays unconscious on the ground of the contraption and Jim treats this like a fair ride. The yakuza members stopped shooting down at us. Obviously they’re running back to the elevator to intercept us on the ground once we lowered this thing all the way down.  
*  
I had to shoot a window three stories down and we made our way through an empty office. Now we’re on our way downstairs into the basement. There’s no chance for us to leave through the main entrance. My trigger finger is pretty twitchy and I almost shoot some old guy carrying a broom and a bucket as I hear the nearby door to the staircase being opened. But the janitor must be blind and deaf as he shuffles past us without a word. Jim grabs my hand and drags me further down.  
*  
Of all the cars in the underground parking lot Jim had to pick that small Toyota. Not that he would have had any problems to override the computer on any of the sport cars or the brand new Mercedes I saw but I guess he saw my longing expression. He also decided that /he/ is going to drive our escape vehicle and once again I’m certain that he wants to kill me in the most horrible fashion possible. Like crashing and burning together with your boss, squashed inside a small car.  
While we leave the building without any interruption (and without getting shot at), Jim thrusts his phone into my hands and tells me to name him all places of interest we might be near to. My only place of interest is our hotel and the next plane home.  
*  
We parked the car in a parking lot and head towards a sushi restaurant Jim picked from all the places I told him. When we head around the corner there’s the sudden sound of an explosion and Jim starts laughing while I wonder when he acquired explosives and why he was carrying them around on his person. His way of removing any traces we might have left surely draws a lot more attention towards us than I feel comfortable with. But Jim is rather satisfied with how things went so I let it slip.  
*  
The sushi bar is clearly no tourist spot. We sit at the counter with the small conveyor belt between men and women in business suits. Jim fits in quite well while I clearly don’t. It’s not even an outfit issue since I wear that goddamn suit that looks a bit more rugged now. I guess they just don’t often have guests my size and the stool is almost too small for me. I feel like an awkward giant.  
*  
Jim’s excitement stems from the fact that he managed to download the professors program to his own phone while I was looking for ways to escape and while those yakuza blokes tried to shoot the door open. Say what you want but Jim got nerves of steel that put mine to shame. Oh wait, no, he’s just that mad.  
*  
It seems Jim’s excitement made him forget how to eat with chopsticks. He claims it’s because of their inferior quality. I claim it’s because he’s like a hamster on ecstasy, unable to sit still. I don’t voice my opinion out loud though. Instead I end up feeding him and I can’t hide my amusement unfortunately. The look in Jim’s eyes tells me that I’ll regret it later on.  
*  
Jim just announced that we’ll stay a few days longer and that he’ll buy me a gift to ‘reward me for a job well done’. I’m sure I’m looking as excited as somebody attending their own funeral preparations.  
*  
I was dead certain Jim was going to buy me another suit but instead we end up in Akihabara. I’m not really surprised as Jim loves the newest technical gadgets and electronics but there’s not really anything that would be of interest to me. Especially since they don’t sell scopes or any other weapon accessory.  
*  
Jim bought me a new cell phone.  
It’s pink.  
It got a Hello Kitty motif on it and when I receive a call some high pitched computerized girl’s voice sings some anime styled song. I can only understand the words ‘Kiss kiss, bang bang’.  
And when I get a text message it meows.  
Clearly I have the most sadistic boss ever. Of course he says he’ll have to give it a try and keeps calling me and texting me and people around me try not to stare at me when I pick up the pink phone and hold it to my ear. A few girls watch us and giggle and Jim says something in Japanese to them and they end up posing with me while Jim takes a photo of us for them. They bow and wave as they walk away again and Jim won’t tell me what he said to them.  
I’m certain it wasn’t exactly flattering anyways.  
*  
We made it back to the hotel and Jim looks very dishelved and roughed up. It’s not my fault though as he insisted we take the underground. I’ve never seen so many people try to get into a train before and I’ve never been so close to so many before either as we’re literally shoved inside by men wearing uniforms and white gloves. Jim declares that he’ll never put a foot into a subway station ever again. And he considers blowing the train of horror up because he’s certain some pervert was groping his butt the entire train ride.  
I won’t tell him the perv was me.  
*  
During the night we’re woken by a light earthquake that makes the glassware in the shelves move. Jim is in my bed within seconds, clinging to me. I tell him there’s no reason to be scared.  
He calls me stupid again and lets me know that he’s not scared but wants to make sure I protect him with my big, soft and useless body in case the ceiling comes down.  
I guess he’s just shaken by a force he has absolutely no control over.


	3. Chapter 3

April, 10th  
When I wake up Jim is already fully dressed, sitting at the end of the bed to my feet like a creepy Japanese ghost girl. At least he’s busy with his cell phone so he’s not staring at me. When he notices I’m awake too he pounces me and straddles my stomach, grinning down at me with that Cheshire cat grin of his. Then he lets me know I got exactly 10 minutes to get ready because he’s hungry and he’ll tie me to the bed otherwise. I remind him it’d be easier for me to follow his command if he’d get off me but instead of budging I’m forced to buck him off before I get to leave.   
*  
Fifteen minutes later we’re sitting in the restaurant downstairs and I wonder what Jim has planned for today. He looks me over with an expression of disapproval and I get the feeling that I know where I’ll spend most of today. Most likely in a changing room, trying out one suit after the other.   
*  
For once I’m not cursing the fact that I stand out of the crowd so much with most of the people around being smaller than me. Because obviously most suits are also meant for much smaller men and Jim is cursing at me for being such a bloody giant. I can’t help but grin as I look into the mirror with the sleeves of the blazer ending shortly beyond my elbow.   
*  
Jim decided that since I was grinning I like the suit so he buys it for me anyways and forces me to keep it on. Now I can barely breathe and I’m sure the buttons of my shirt or pants will pop any second. Not to mention that I look as if I washed my clothes too hot one too many times.   
*  
I hope Jim’s done shopping soon because the pants of my new suit start to rub the insides of my thighs raw. Also the shopping bags are starting to get a bit heavy.   
*  
Jim found a new object of admiration- a square watermelon. I just look at the price and wonder if it’s made from gold but I’m sure it’s just a regular watermelon. Which I tell to Jim, not wanting to lug this thing around as well.   
*  
My boss is now the proud owner of a square watermelon. He’ll be so disappointed when we cut it open at the hotel.   
*  
When we finally get back there’s a man waiting for us at the lobby. He smiles at Jim but his smile has something fake and shark like about it. He exchanges a few words with Jim in Japanese then hands him a card. I just raise my brow and wait for an explanation. Which I don’t really get. Instead Jim tells me to change clothes because I look like a clown and that we’re going golfing.  
*  
Half an hour later we’re sitting in a cab and I continue to stare at Jim until he’ll tell me why we’re going golfing out of sudden. He only pats my cheek and tells me to be patient. The golf place turns out to be on top of a tall building and we’re already expected by a large man in a dark, elegant suit and two men with sunglasses and ear pieces. I don’t have to guess what they are and I ready myself to draw my gun. Obviously Jim just dragged me along to a meeting with the head of one of the yakuza groups. Most likely the one that was after the professors data.   
*  
I’m a caddy now. I carry around Jim’s golf clubs and he chats away with the yakuza boss as if this was a meeting among friends. I wish I could understand a word but Jim lets me know I’m just here for decoration anyways so I should be nice and quiet and hand him a number 4.   
*  
Jim won the match and he’s extremely pleased with himself as we’re invited to a fancy restaurant. I can’t shake the tension though and I’m quite certain we won’t survive this day. For now though we sit in a private room on the floor on tiny pillows and I awkwardly try to kneel like the others, feeling my legs grow numb after a few minutes. Then the food is served and I’m already pretty tired of sushi but the raw fish is sliced really thin and spread out on the plate to create the pattern of a phoenix. At least it’s pretty to look at.   
*  
Maybe I’m pretty to look at too because both Jim and the Yakuza boss stare at me intensely as I reach over with my chopsticks to take a first slice of fish. They even watch me chew and swallow and I don’t know if I should feel special or just stupid. Is there something on my face?  
*  
Jim and the Yakuza bloke are both pretty drunk after the meal and I almost have to carry Jim to the cab. He’s all giddy and giggles as he climbs on top of my lap and presses his face into the crook of my neck, breathing against my skin. He stinks of sake and I wish I knew why he’s so happy. I want to laugh about it too.   
*  
Now I know why he’s so happy. The one part is that he obviously made a few deals with the Japanese mafia and now his web stretches out even further.   
The other part is that he’s glad I survived the meal.   
They served us fucking Fugu. Ugh! I’m so mad at him now I can barely speak. So I do what I usually do when he’s playing with my life as if I’m an expendable piece in a chess game- I ignore him. It’s made harder by the fact he’s starting to kiss and bite my neck and I can’t quite push him off me in the confined space of the cab.   
*  
I tossed Jim into his bed after getting him out of his clothes and now he’s laying there, curled up and sleeping like a baby. I guess I could use some sleep as well.   
*  
WHAT THE HELL? Why am I being attacked by bloody NINJAS in my bedroom? I knew we shouldn’t have trusted those mafia types. Ugh. Before they can cut me into handy sushi bite sized pieces I’m fully awake and its once again proven (just as Indiana Jones did) that a bullet to the head is an a lot more effective and quick way of disposing of a threat than waving around a sword. Even if they look damn sharp and are handled by people that seem to know what they’re doing.   
*  
When I rush out into the living room I expect to find the mutilated body of my former boss somewhere bleeding to death on the ground. Instead Jim is sitting in the couch, all curled up and comfy, watching the telly. Pretending he didn’t hear a thing, too. And suddenly I know who sent those ninjas into my bedroom.   
*  
Jim pretends to know nothing about anything. But then he breaks down but tries to convince me with an innocent puppy dog look in his eyes that he’s certain he just hired some actors. Actors, my butt! I grab one of those swords and slice through the backrest of a chair with it without any greater problems. My look couldn’t be icier. Actors, really Jim? I might not be brilliant but don’t take me for a fool.   
*  
Aww, Sebbie darling is still refusing to talk to me. He’s also neglecting this silly, cute little blog of his. He’s not even reacting to my pouting. How mean. I offered to ninja him out of his pants but he only slammed the door into my face and locked it. How rude. Does he think he can keep me out of the room that way? Silly, silly tiger.  
*  
Seb is still in his room, acting like a big baby and I’m getting all bored. This blog thing is so dull. I don’t understand how Johnny-Boy keeps up with it. I don’t even understand the use of it. It’s like a pretty princess diary little girls keep, isn’t it? I should maybe buy Seb one. With hearts and unicorns and a lock and key so he can write down his cute little thoughts with a strawberry scented pen.   
That would be soooo precious~  
*  
If Seb doesn’t come out of his room soon, I’ll blow the door up and set his bed on fire.   
*  
Ah damn. I can’t... This is… Okay, okay, let me sort my thoughts. First of all- I must have fallen asleep which is /never/ a good thing with Jim around. Second- he didn’t set my bed on fire. Nor did he tie me up or did anything equally as nasty. Instead he somehow managed to get rid of three dead ninjas and at their place is a fucking /motorbike/! And not just any motorbike. Maybe I should be mad at Jim for buying me a bloody Kawasaki /NINJA/ ZX-6R of all possible choices but dammit, it’s a hot machine and there’s also Jim who’s draped all over it, wearing a biker outfit, all black smooth leather, looking like he’s rehearsing for his part in West-Side-Story. All he’s missing now is the Greaser hair and the switch blade.   
He also looks like he’s going to take the ‘ride a bike’ part literally any second the way he moans and coos at me.   
*  
I took Jim along for a ride and he must have forgotten how much he hates motorbikes because there he is, clinging to me from behind and I can’t help but grin and feel awesome. And no, I don’t pity him at all. Next time he’ll hopefully think twice before hiring some ninjas to fuck with his bodyguard.

April, 11th  
This morning Jim says that I could choose where to go today. But when he hears that I plan on taking him on the motorbike to Kyoto he revokes my privileges of choosing immediately. At least he allows me to drive him around in Tokyo which is more than I could have hoped for. He looks quite funny in his cool biking gear and the helmet covering his head so I can only see his wide opened eyes. Awwr, don’t be scared, Jimmy, I won’t crash the bike.   
*  
I think he might have read this comment….   
*  
Jim tells me to stop the bike because he obviously found something interesting. Well, he’s not exactly /telling/ me. He just punched me repeatedly in the ribs. I park the motorbike at the sidewalk but before I can ask what’s up this time he’s already grabbed my hand, dragging me into an alleyway. He doesn’t plan on making out with me or does he?  
*  
Not, he didn’t. Instead he’s bouncing along a long row of vending machines, all excited, pointing at them and expecting me to be just as excited. Unfortunately I can’t read any of the labels so I have no clue what they’re selling. Besides those that sell drinks but they don’t look like regular sodas either. Since the Fugu I’m a bit hesitant to try other Japanese delicacies.  
*  
Did Jim just vend a pair of…panties? I know people here like to buy the craziest shit at the craziest places but… God, does he have to unfold them and wave them around in front of my face too? I know my face is as pink now as this frilly girly underwear and my only prayer is that Jim doesn’t get the weird idea one of us should try them on. I’m more than relieved when he ‘only’ thrusts them into my hands for ‘safe keeping’. I should have brought a bag.   
*  
Jim is unstoppable. I wonder where he got all these coins but he treats the vending machines like a claw machine, pushing buttons at random. I end up carrying a small plastic bag with a life goldfish, a slice of hot pizza, two drinks that have more engrish than I can stomach so early and a bunch of girly accessories like hair clips, lipstick and raspberry scented pens. Luckily one of the vending machines also contains cigarettes because I could use a smoke now.  
*  
I’m not getting my smoke. Instead I’m dragged to the end of the street where a small photo booth sits. It’s covered with all sorts of cutesy photographs and I look at Jim and he grins back at me and I know I’m in for a treat.   
*  
I stopped him at the lipstick. But he did manage to cover my hair with those girly rainbow colored hair clips and now he’s even complaining that my hair is too short because he obviously he had planned to give me pigtails too. And just because I stopped him on using the lipstick on me doesn’t mean that I’m safe from it. After we somehow managed to squeeze into the photo booth I get to watch Jim putting some lipstick on his own lips (not without making kissy faces at me), before he suddenly grabs my face and places a sloppy kiss right on my cheek, leaving his lipstick print there. Then he casually gets a handkerchief to wipe his lips clean while I look like I got molested by the Kawaii-Brigade.   
*  
Jim says the photos we got from the photo booth are the best ones ever and that he’ll always carry one around in his wallet now. Great. I can already see him walking up to Dekker and showing him ‘a photo of my baby girl’. At least I know Dekker won’t say a word because he doesn’t want to eat his lunch through a straw.   
*  
While I make myself look presentable again Jim is searching through his phone for places of interest. He obviously found something as he gestures for me to get on the bike again. I hope the directions he’s giving me are correct.   
*   
We stop at a shrine. I’m not sure what Jim wants here because he’s never been a religious person. Even though we visited the Vatican but I suppose it’s all just part of the sightseeing. Until he explains to me that the shrine is called Konno Hachimangu and supposedly one of the statues there depicts a tiger. Who might or might not be a God people worshipped. Jim gives me an odd look as he says that then as we step towards the shrine he suddenly presses close and whispers something about ‘my tiger’. A moment later and after pinching my butt he’s already two steps ahead of me again, stopping at the shrine to examine the old structure with interest, taking a few more photos. Now he’s acting like a tourist again and sometimes the sudden shifts in personality leave me reeling. At least it’s really quiet here. Makes you almost forget you’re in busy Shibuya.  
*  
The peace and quiet didn’t hold on for long. The next stop on our little biking tour is some sort of sports place. Not exactly a gym but there are two men standing in the middle of a ring, trying to shove each other out of its limits. From what I can tell they’re wearing nothing but some sort of cloth belt that looks like a gigantic diaper. When I start to chuckle Jim elbows me in the side and lets me know that this traditional wrestling clothing is called mawashi and that he got me into a little amateur Sumo match. Oh joy. My life would not have been complete without me wearing a large cloth diaper.  
*  
I look ridiculous.   
I feel ridiculous.   
I want to use this mawashi belt thing and wrap it around Jim’s throat and choke him until he admits defeat. Instead I’m forced into the ringed area, while he sits on a chair in the front row, clapping his hands, telling me to ‘grab dat ass’. I’m certain that this is not the standard procedure in this sport.   
*  
The guy I’m facing might not be as tall as I am but he’s large even though, weighting at least a good 150 kilos if not more. He does look pretty fit too as he does this leg stomping crouch movement before stepping up to the white line, placing his fist down on it. I imitate his movements- minus the leg stomping part, hoping that this mawashi belt will stay where it’s supposed to be.  
*  
Of course the behemoth goes for my arse. Or rather he tries to gab for the belt and accidentally copes a feel. I gotta make sure that Jim understands that getting molested by a big Japanese was never on my top ten list. Before I know what’s going on the fight is over and I lay outside the ring on the ground. Seems that he also knows some Judo and I had hardly time to move at all. Jim stands over me, clicking his tongue, looking disappointed. From the look in his eyes I can tell that he thinks I lost on purpose just to get out of this.   
He might be right.  
*  
I know Jim is still kind of upset that he didn’t get the fight he hoped for (he should have booked a cage fight or a boxing match, honestly), because he’s unusually quiet. We stop at a Konbini, one of those 24 hour convenience stores to choose our meal for the day. Jim picks random stuff while I go through the selection of smokes they might have. When I’m done Jim is too, holding up two large plastic bags for me to carry. I wonder what delicacies he picked for us (me?) to try. Can’t be worse than the squid ink pizza we had earlier. I hope my tongue is no longer black.   
*  
We are back in our hotel and Jim empties the bags over the table in the living room. For some reason he just picked the same item dozens of times. I can’t read Japanese so I simply grab one of the plastic containers to open them. The stuff looks like beans in a stringy cheese sauce. Not very appetizing. When I pull back the foil a horrible stench hits my nostrils and I wince back and stare at Jim who’s giggling again like a happy little imp. I sure hope he doesn’t expect me to eat this stuff. Not even as a punishment.   
*  
So this stuff that looks like beans and snot and smells like Satan’s armpits is obviously called Natto and yes, Jim expects me to eat it. Or to be more precise- he expects /us/ to eat it. A challenge is issued by the crazy little fucker. The prize? Whoever wins the challenge without throwing up or admitting defeat gets to pick the outfit for the other person to wear when we go out tonight.   
*  
Jim really should have known better. I lived on Army meals and canned food for many years so I choke this horrible concoction down like the crazy bastard I am. It actually doesn’t taste half bad when you don’t breathe in through your nose while eating it. Jim on the other side looks worse for the wear. Funny considering the crappy snacks he likes to eat in front of the telly. Five containers in he gives up and runs to the bathroom.   
*  
I think Jim has started to rub off on me because I feel a certain wicked delight when I present him with his outfit- a Japanese school girl uniform. He snatches it from my hands and calls me a ‘hentai’ and I’m sure that means ‘big fat old perv’ in English. If not I’d be very surprised. Unfortunately my moment of glee is short lived because whatever you dish out at Jim Moriarty, he’ll turn tables on you faster than you can eat a sushi roll. When he returns he not only wears the uniform, oh no. He also took the liberty to make himself extra pretty with those hair clips and...oh god no…he’s wearing the frilly panties. How I know? Because he showed them to me.   
*  
So this is hell.   
I’m pretty sure it is.   
It’s the place where you have to watch your boss sing along to the lyrics of horribly butchered songs on a small stage while he’s wearing a school girl outfit and frilly panties and all you want to do is to get wasted so you can pretend this is all hilarious. But it’s not. It’s called Karaoke and Jim is making me sing too and takes photos and videos of it because ‘the team will know how we spent our holidays’. I think I simply might have to kill everybody and find new recruits.   
I’ll miss Anderson though. He was a good man.   
*  
In the end Jim gets more wasted than me and we’re asked to leave because he couldn’t stop himself from checking out the other Karaoke booths. It’s a small mercy to see this man finally asleep. I don’t dare to touch his clothes though so he ends up snuggling up against me in his current outfit and I swear I’ll have nightmares about his panties tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

April, 11th  
We’re leaving Tokyo today for a little roundabout tour and I can’t say I’m very sad about that. Not only did I wake up to the sight of Jims panty clad arse in my face as he was laying upon me as if I was some fucking furniture, watching the telly, he also made us sneak into the Imperial Palace because he claims he’s as good as an emperor in his own rights. The imperial palace police (or whatever you want to call them) almost caught us and I had to carry Jim outside because he refused to leave without seeing the crown jewels. I’m not even sure if they exist.   
*  
After a brief stop (and with brief I mean a good hour) at a few souvenir shops we’re sitting in the Bullet Train on our way to Kyoto. Jim is busy going through his new collection of ugly things the world doesn’t need while I try to get some more sleep.   
*  
We take a break from travelling to visit Mt. Fuji which was Jim’s decision. I’m not exactly interested in volcanos anymore since our trip to Italy but the view is just as breath taking. While I try to enjoy the strangely peaceful atmosphere and a secret smoke, Jim is trying to climb on top of a small rock and spread out his arms and yell ‘I’m the king of the world’. I can’t help but grin. So fucking adorable.   
*  
We finally reach Kyoto and Jim drags me into another fancy restaurant for lunch. He knows I can’t read the menu so he’s ordering for me and I get very worried. I heard about creepy stuff like drunken shrimp and life fish being filleted down to the bone. Just the thought makes me shudder. Instead I’m served an honest to god steak and I stare at Jim because Jim isn’t usually nice unless he got something planned. But he’s just smiling smugly and I guess he was just enjoying my look of dread until the waiter lifted the fancy silver dome covering my food. And, bloody hell, that is one of the best steaks I’ve ever eaten.   
*  
Jim buys more souvenirs and lots of candy which he most likely will never eat but he obviously likes how everything gets packed and wrapped up so nicely. Then he asks me where I would like to go. I didn’t quite expect him to ask so I said I wouldn’t mind some gambling.   
*  
I knew there had to be a snag. Of course Jim knows when I say gambling I mean poker. It kept me fed those years after leaving the Army and until Jim had picked me up. Instead we stand in a large hall and it’s noisy as hell as people sit at machines that could be slot machines but instead it’s all about little silver balls falling down and trying to get them to fall in a certain pattern to earn even more silver balls. Jim explains it’s called Pachinko and drags me along to give it a try.   
*  
Unfortunately Jim /sucks/ at Pachinko. Instead he forces me into one of those large Arcade halls nearby the Pachinko place and we shoot Zombies and race against each other. Its kinda fun, especially when the plastic gun gets too heavy for Jim to hold and he whines and requests my help. So I step behind him and press really close (which earns me another ‘hentai’) as I hold Jim’s hands and help him aim and handle the weight of the fake weapon.   
*  
Oh fuck. Jim found the DDR machines.  
*  
Jim is using the DDR machines.   
*  
Jim is making me join him and now I’m dancing to flashing arrows on a screen and try not to break a leg. I bet I look like an elephant trying to dance Flamenco.   
*  
Kyoto and its DDR horrors lay behind us and we’re heading to Osaka now. The names sound all the same to me but I do start to pick up a few words and phrases. I ended up buying some comics- they call them manga I believe- and I flip through the pages. I picked up one with a guy carrying a ridiculously large sniper rifle and while I don’t understand the story it’s nicely gory and reminds me of home and work. You could say I’m getting homesick, I suppose.   
*  
We wander into one of the largest aquariums I’ve ever seen, although admittedly I haven’t been in that many yet. Jim can’t help but stop by where the otter enclosure is, taking tons of photos. When I ask him why he informs me that it’d be rude not to visit Holmes’ family and send him some photos of them. My blank stare obviously tells him I think he’s just completely gone out of his mind but instead he waves it off and tells me to ‘go on the internet’. He’s so weird sometimes.   
*  
We walk around the basin with the sharks and Jim makes me stand with my back to the glass and asks me to grin while he’s waiting for a shark to swim closer. Hrm. I never saw any likeliness between me and a shark but if it’s to entertain Jim…  
*  
We’re almost at the exit when Jim suddenly stops and gasps and acts all distraught. When I ask him what’s wrong he gives me a sad puppy eyes look and tells me he somehow, accidentally, must have dropped his cell phone.   
Into the shark basin.   
And if I wouldn’t –pretty pretty please with strawberries and cheese (I kid you not those were his exact words) - get it back for him. I tell him to fuck off. He goes all ‘pleeeeeeaaaaassseeee Sebbie’ and I know it’s either him whining like this for the next hour or me doing what he wants me to. I love my choices sometimes.   
*  
Ah the joys of sitting in a train all wet and dripping and getting strange stares from even the politest of Japanese people. Jim got his phone back (which was miraculously wrapped into foil and didn’t get wet at all) and is looking through his photos, at times blowing kisses my way but I just grunt and pretend he doesn’t exist.   
*  
We travel all the way up to some little village in the mountains and I’m glad there’s cab in this area at least because Jim’s souvenirs are getting heavy by now and I’m not interested in finding my Zen here. But Jim babbles something about an ‘onzen’ and I guess it’s some sort of meditation.   
*  
Turns out I heard him wrong. It got nothing to do with Zen and its called Onsen. Which is, simply put, a Japanese bath. Just a little bit different. How different? Well first of all you don’t just jump into the little basins outside like you’d want to. First you go into a large room to clean yourself. So I’m sitting now, butt naked besides a small towel, on a tiny wooden stool and Jim is pouring warm water over my head using a wooden bucket. I have to admit it is rather relaxing. Especially when he also starts to scrub my arms and back with a wet cloth. Hey, I could get used to this.   
*  
Good things never last long for me. Jim whips me with the wet towel and demands it’s his turn now. But to be honest I don’t really mind as I get to almost drown him with buckets of water until he flails his arms and kicks at my shin. Without shoes it doesn’t really hurt that much though. And I also can cope a feel here and there as I scrub him with soap and the wet cloth before I dump more water over him until he looks like a drowned rat and huffs and tells me it’s enough. I don’t think I ever been this clean before in my life.  
*  
Ah dammit Jim! Sneaky little fucker! The minute we step outside with just those tiny towels, all our other stuff in the baskets we’re carrying, gun and all, wearing wooden slippers, he suddenly weasels close and steals my towel away and I end up butt naked with a bunch of Japanese men staring at my best bits and…I try avoid eye contact but I think I saw envy in some faces.   
*  
I ran after Jim and almost push him into the little pool he’s chosen, a bit away from everybody else. I put the basket next to his and he’s still waving my towel as if it’s some ‘capture the flag’ war prize or a white flag and he’s telling me he’s giving up.   
*  
So we sit in the hot water and I swear my balls are slowly getting cooked but its kinda relaxing once you get used to it. I even get to close my eyes and Jim scoots all close and makes those little purring noises as he drapes himself over my chest and runs his fingers over my scars as if reading my future in them. I could have fallen asleep like this if he had not suddenly been shouting something about monkeys.   
*  
So he wasn’t talking about me. But there are monkeys. Actual live monkeys that eye us a bit shyly from afar. Jim takes out his phone for photos, letting me know that he picked this bath because of them. He also starts to get all philosophical about our ancestors and that, while he’s not sure about me; he knows for sure he is no descendant from something that dumb looking.   
*  
The stupid monkey just stole Jim’s cell phone. Snagged it from his hand. And Jim is out of the pool, waving his hands like mad, trying to get it to drop it. But instead the monkey makes funny faces and I get a nice view of Jim’s naked arse as he chases after the thief. Obviously I watched a bit too long because Jim yells at me to shoot the damn thing because he /needs/ his cell phone and if I don’t hurry he’ll make me suffer in numerous ways.   
*  
I’m kinda glad I didn’t have to shoot the monkey. I simple had to fire into the air and it dropped the cell phone and the entire horde rushed off as if the devil was after them. This, in a way, was what happened. Jim is all huffed and demands we leave right now. A shame. I really started to like this place.   
*  
We end our trip with what is called a tea ceremony. I know I’ll sound all respect less and uncivilized but I’m glad when I get back home where I don’t have to wait hours while kneeling on those fucking hard straw mats just to be served a tea that is so bitter that my tongue curls up in my mouth. I know I know it’s all relaxing and philosophical and part of the heritage but when I look over to Jim who tries to get his legs back to work I know he silently agrees with him. I might be an uncivilized bloke but man, I love me some bagged tea.   
*  
The travel home is so peaceful that I’m getting a tad worried. But Jim is busy playing with his phone, checking through the photos and videos he’s taken, writing Holmes a long Email and sending him those otter pictures before he’s falling asleep against me. I think I’m almost looking forward to our next vacation.


End file.
